Dead Grandpas Under the Floor Boards

(Note attractive Oof dangling from mouth)

We've got creaking floorboards right next to my side of the bed and outside the Noodle's bedroom. So when I fumble my way to the dunny twice a night I perform a bizarre and ungainly ballet in an attempt to not wake my slumbering family.

Sort of a two step, twist, dodge sideways, smack into open cupboard door, curse loudly, tread on friggen board anyway, give up and stomp to toilet with everyone now wide awake and cursing me.

It has reached crisis point and rather than see a doctor and/or cut down on caffeine the Noodle and I went to the hardware store yesterday (Home on Goody Rd - really helpful/knowledgeable staff). I was very prepared to start banging nails into stuff.

'Talcum powder,' said the bloke.
'Talcum powder?'
'Yep, works its way in and stops most squeaks no worries.'
'Not a nail gun and oxyacetylene welder then?'
'Nope. Talcs what you need hey Doug.'
'Yep, Talcum powder alright.'
'Talcum powder,' concurred some wandering, shifty, bloke in a bomber jacket.

So denied the opportunity to buy myself something cool we went to Woolies and purchased a canister of Imperial Leather and $20 worth of coffee (irony didn't escape me) as I didn't have any cash on me and needed to use the credit card.

Spent an hour sweeping the talc into the gaps with the result that the squeaks are moderately reduced and the house smells like an old folks home.