Friday, May 16, 2008

Umbrellas


It has rained all day. Fantastic.

But...

It has also brought one of my pet hates squelching home to roost. Umbrellas. Or more specifically...maybe a bit of back ground before I leap into my whinge.

I don't own an umbrella, only have once and I promptly lost it. I'm a take a chance kind of guy, kind of have to be with my level of organisation.

Most days it don't rain, and if it does well we spend most of our time in air-conditioned comfort anyways, and if not we can always run, and if you can't run then you've probably got bigger problems then getting wet. Things are tough all over.

So... specifically my problem is with the overfed, mouth-breathing product of expensive private schools for boys who, upon waking, views the low-hanging firmament and decides he might get his Italian leather shoes wet on the stroll from the car park to the office. He decides he better grab the brolly. Oh no, the little woman has already left for pilates and I don't know where she keeps them. Conundrum!

Then something like a primordial neuron fires deep down in our heroes cerebellum. 'Huzzah', he cries 'my golf umbrella.' and off he lumbers to transfer it from the back of the Jeep to the beamer.

Later that morning he happily strolls down the crowded city streets, resplendent under his brightly coloured, oversize, umbrella. He whistles a jaunty number as the tips rip eyeballs from passing pedestrians and force others out onto the road into the paths of oncoming trucks.

Gah.

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3 Comments:

At May 17, 2008 at 8:21 AM , Blogger retarded.eye.movement said...

Sounds like you’re suffering from an inferiority complex regarding the size of you umbrella (or lack thereof) and those private school types.

This winter my umbrella count thus far: Three.

I’ve left one behind at a pub, and the other two met their fate inside a bin after random gushes of wind beat them to a pulp, leaving them all bent-up and inside-out.

Thus on several occasions I’ve had to resort to my boyfriend’s “Hahn Premium Light” Golf umbrella - An umbrella which is about five times the size of me. But the number of dirty looks I get from commuters in Rundle Mall makes me wonder if it’s worth it. I don’t know if it’s the ridiculous size of the brolly or the “Hahn” corporate logo that offends so.

At least I feel safe walking home through the parklands, with the knowledge I’ll be able to use the oversize umbrella to poke the eyes out of any potential rapists that may be lurking behind trees.

Yay for rain!

 
At May 17, 2008 at 9:12 AM , Blogger franzy said...

Simply do what I do to the approaching spikes of eyeball death: grab a corner and pull down! It bangs Mr My Handicap Is Something I'll Brag About Without Realising The True Meaning right on his hairplugs. Actually, I do this to all umbrellas whose owners can't see me, just like my dad deliberately rams people who stand in the middle of walkways in the central market with his trolley.
Sometimes, when there are lots of umbrellas moving towards you in a pack you can wade through them and pretend you're in The Jungle.

 
At May 21, 2008 at 1:48 PM , Blogger myninjacockle said...

R.E.M - should I chose to have an umbrella it will be used appropriately, just the right size, and nothing for unkind women to giggle at while waving their pinkies around. Thank you very much.

Franzy - I dream of being so bold. Though perhaps not getting into quite as much as mischief as your father seems to in the Central Markets.

 

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