Saturday, March 7, 2009

How to Avoid Lying

Don't get me wrong, the lie is the great oil for the wheels of civilisation. Nothing annoys me more than a neanderthal clumping about saying 'I just tell it like it is.'
Well done moron, you are proud of your inability to use any higher brain function to filter your thoughts. Just run them straight from the spinal column to the tongue:
'My sister is hot'
'You skinheads sure are funny'
'I farted'
Way to go boyo.

The trouble with the lie is, however; you can get caught, tangled web, first dig two graves, peacock know thyself, etc...

What I try to develop instead is a cunning repertoire of misdirections such that when Knickers arrives home and asks me - as I stand at the sink pretending to wash dishes having leapt from the couch when I heard the car pull up - 'Have you done the (insert name of pointless menial task here)...?'

I can reply:

Yes, lots of times(just not today)
My word is my bond
What do you think?
I said I would do it didn't I
Why do you ask?
Ask me no questions I'll tell you no lies
Wow you're looking hot, let's get you out of those wet things.
You won't believe what happened
Come with me if you want to live

The only trouble is that none of them work, after all these years she sees through me like gladwrap.

So what I'm offering is a trade, my misdirections for yours, a fresh start for all.
Any suggestions?



At March 7, 2009 at 10:28 PM , Blogger franzy said...

"I thought you were going to do that?" (Answering a question with a question is an old family trick - you may use it).
"Heh, that's funny, I was literally just about to! Isn't that funny? I think that's funny. What a wonderful connection we have, darling."
"No, but I do plenty of other things around here that you don't even notice!" (hide face in hands, run to room, sob into pillow)
"I think we (mindless menial task) way too much. It's expensive/bad for the environment/supportive of the capitalist hegemony,"
"It was so (done looking) that I thought you'd done it!"
"Who wants pizza?"

None of these has ever gotten me out of trouble, ever.

Except for maybe the pizza one.
And even that just put it off temporarily.

At March 11, 2009 at 3:40 PM , Blogger Kath Lockett said...

I think I'll take all of yours and Franzy's as well. I need a full repertoire in my new guise as a freelancer working from home.

...damn. Just realised that the washing I put in the machine about ten hours ago is still in there and now smells like a dank Darwin cinema that's been closed for a fortnight....

At March 11, 2009 at 10:06 PM , Blogger myninjacockle said...

Franzy - i think the histrionics suggestion has some merit.

Kath - Parap cinema? Oh that's been closed for twenty years.

At March 12, 2009 at 9:17 PM , Blogger Kath Lockett said...

No, not Parap but the 'normal' ones in town and Casuarina. They both STANK!

Oh and Parap - Dean and I always thought it sounded like a fart and would giggle every time we drove through or went to the markets. "Parap! Was that you?"


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